Acceptance

My brother Scott died of AIDS in 1998 - I didn't have the courage to post it last year. 

But in the last 2 weeks two people have asked me if I would print out the poems and essays I've written about him - and I decided it was time to post this piece

Its raw and filled with emotions - and still makes me cry

Long time coming Acceptance 

20 years gone by in an instant 

Why didn’t I see it coming 

That you would be gone from my life for so long 

Or understand that at that moment 

When I stood before hundreds of people 

And mourned for the ones that I did not see 

Only half of my family was there 

Where were my aunties, uncles and cousins  

no doubt they missed him just as much as I 

I waited for the door to open 

Needing to see their faces 

Mixed with love and hope and grief  

Waiting for outstretched arms that didn’t make it 

In the sanctuary 

A place of refuge in a time of trouble 

Standing before hundreds of people 

Waiting for me to speak 

To bring some peace in what for me was an 

Uncertain end to a very uncertain time 

I know now that I was bolstered and loved and supported 

By the ancestors who came before me 

At the time I didn’t understand 

How I could speak 

How could anyone hear my words 

Or possibly understand how my world had changed 

I adored my brother 

I loved him to the moon and back 

And no doubt I loved all 1,253,201 pieces  

The memories of  

Scott didn’t end 

when the vent was turned off 

Or when people left his hospital room 

Or in the few minutes after they went away 

I have no idea how long I spent in his hospital room 

Or if I screamed or cried  

or tried to talk him out of it 

I looked closely at him 

I wanted to get in bed and hold him close 

While he made the transition 

But I didn’t 

And then I 

Sat in the chair and waited 

The memories stopped when his soul left his body 

In the last few days and weeks I’ve been remembering 

Him 

Telling bits and pieces of his fragmented life 

I only know those fragments of my life with him 

And without him 

I like to think that I’ve learned to live without fear 

And live with love 

There are no long lists here with the obligatory nods of 

Understanding from my readers 

Because I believe that learning to live without fear and  

Accept love into my life are two major accomplishments 

I’ve faltered along the way 

Gotten lost 

Lost sight of why I was walking 

And where I was going 

I don’t need to know where I’m going 

By now I should know that  

I don’t need to know everything 

Be everything 

Or do everything 

I do know that my brother Scott 

Died on June 30th 1998 

The day my word changed 

I know that the ancestors have carried me these 

Last few months as I’ve looked back on my life 

Seen my foibles and errors  

and walked me  

Through the path of acceptance 

 and reverie  

I’ve laid down my weapons 

My armor of uncertainty 

Opened my heart to the creator 

And asked for help from Great Grandmother Turtle 

Moving forward neither waiting for expecting help from the ancestors 

I’ll be up in the morning before grandmother moon sets 

Thanking the creator for another day