Revolting Lungs

When walking my gate changes with the flowing debris in the air

     Particles floating by unknown to most people

     My lungs revolt

Debris from, automobiles and buses,  sand, fires, the dreaded metal shredder in North Minneapolis, and the thick black smoke that emanates from the belching smoke stack in the middle of the train yard attack my lungs stopping me

Literally and figuratively I am unable to move forward. Lifting my legs to walk is cumbersome

My entire body bears the weight of my lungs

My heart steps up and races at lightning speed to meet the demands for oxygen from my revolting lungs

I gulp the air – with wheezes and rails

  I am covered in sweat – and the warm glistening skin of living in the south

   It handles the demand – for now – words not welcome from my cardiologist

 My breathing precedes me into most spaces – with the tell-tale sounds Rebecca greets me before I enter her house-Always worth the effort LOVE abounds when I enter her home

My face changes to the color of grey – a washed out ashen grey

 friends – their concern on their faces joined in unison

   Tell me the truth that my doctors do not always see

Doctors enclosed in strong buildings with impervious glass windows guarding my lungs can’t really know what it’s like for me out of their realm

I’ve longed to invite them to join me in my realm

Let them see me shuffle my legs

Wait for me to stop and then continue

Watch my face change

Listen to my breathing

See my sternum – with every labored breath the skin tightens

  Leaving  the tell-tale sharp pains that tell me it’s not my heart

As it races to keep pace with my revolting lungs

What happens when silence becomes audible and then visible

 – Alcohol has scarred my life in ways that I never thought possible

I grew up knowing that my parents wouldn’t care for me

Gasps of air- breathe in –the whistling telltale sounds of wheezing lungs fill the room

Stop grunting - - stop grunting said the mother

Gasps of air – breathe in

The Mother repeats – stop grunting

I took care of myself the best that I could

I learned to control my breathing – to hide the gasps of air –

Breathe in breathe in

This runs through my head and lungs and circles around down through to my own child

Gasps of air- breathe in

Stop grunting - - stop grunting – I hear my mother’s voice

My childhood memories of sitting on the couch next to my mother come forcibly back into my life

Gasps of air – breathe in

I hear the mothers voice Stop Grunting

Only

This mother stops the cycle –

    And bring medicine to my child

Her lungs open and

She never hears me say

Gasps of air- breathe in - the whistling telltale sounds of wheezing lungs fill the room

Stop grunting - - stop grunting said the mother

Gasps of air – breathe in

Now there are 4 generations of woman with Asthma in my family – The mother included

This is the first in a series of essays and poems about my life with Severe and Persistent Asthma - or as I call it Nasty Ass Asthma

Severe Asthma is treated differently - I take large does of prednisone to keep my lungs open. It doesn't stop the asthma flares it just slows them down.

I'm on the latest inhaled controller medication, its no longer fully effective. Although smoke is by far the worst trigger for flares most of the time I never know what causes the flares. 

I have an upcoming appointment with a Doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN who's plan it is to get me off prednisone.

Please remember that Severe asthma is treated in a different way - this is my story