My brother Scott died of AIDS in 1998 - I didn't have the courage to post it last year.
But in the last 2 weeks two people have asked me if I would print out the poems and essays I've written about him - and I decided it was time to post this piece
Its raw and filled with emotions - and still makes me cry
Long time coming Acceptance
20 years gone by in an instant
Why didn’t I see it coming
That you would be gone from my life for so long
Or understand that at that moment
When I stood before hundreds of people
And mourned for the ones that I did not see
Only half of my family was there
Where were my aunties, uncles and cousins
no doubt they missed him just as much as I
I waited for the door to open
Needing to see their faces
Mixed with love and hope and grief
Waiting for outstretched arms that didn’t make it
In the sanctuary
A place of refuge in a time of trouble
Standing before hundreds of people
Waiting for me to speak
To bring some peace in what for me was an
Uncertain end to a very uncertain time
I know now that I was bolstered and loved and supported
By the ancestors who came before me
At the time I didn’t understand
How I could speak
How could anyone hear my words
Or possibly understand how my world had changed
I adored my brother
I loved him to the moon and back
And no doubt I loved all 1,253,201 pieces
The memories of
Scott didn’t end
when the vent was turned off
Or when people left his hospital room
Or in the few minutes after they went away
I have no idea how long I spent in his hospital room
Or if I screamed or cried
or tried to talk him out of it
I looked closely at him
I wanted to get in bed and hold him close
While he made the transition
But I didn’t
And then I
Sat in the chair and waited
The memories stopped when his soul left his body
In the last few days and weeks I’ve been remembering
Him
Telling bits and pieces of his fragmented life
I only know those fragments of my life with him
And without him
I like to think that I’ve learned to live without fear
And live with love
There are no long lists here with the obligatory nods of
Understanding from my readers
Because I believe that learning to live without fear and
Accept love into my life are two major accomplishments
I’ve faltered along the way
Gotten lost
Lost sight of why I was walking
And where I was going
I don’t need to know where I’m going
By now I should know that
I don’t need to know everything
Be everything
Or do everything
I do know that my brother Scott
Died on June 30th 1998
The day my word changed
I know that the ancestors have carried me these
Last few months as I’ve looked back on my life
Seen my foibles and errors
and walked me
Through the path of acceptance
and reverie
I’ve laid down my weapons
My armor of uncertainty
Opened my heart to the creator
And asked for help from Great Grandmother Turtle
Moving forward neither waiting for expecting help from the ancestors
I’ll be up in the morning before grandmother moon sets
Thanking the creator for another day
